By: Melissa MacDonald

Narwhals. 

Monodon monocero.

One of the coolest little critters on the planet. I mean, c’mon! How many other animals can you name with a 10 foot horn growing out of its skull? And has a funky name like Narwhal? Undoubtedly it is the epitome of awesomeness that could only belong to what is the Unicorn of the Sea. I’d like to talk to the guy in the design department who decided “Hey! I’m gonna stick this big ‘ol horn on this whale because I can and I have had copious amounts of coffee!” and give him a shiny gold star sticker like the ones they gave me in 3^rd grade (oh how I miss them…).  What do they do with it? Jab at random sea life until they make a fish-kebab? Turns out I didn’t do any research, (obviously).  I guess that’s what makes them so cool:  they don’t NEED a reason for it! Scientists are somehow baffled as to what it does, while these Narwhals go around sniggering “dummkopfs…,” because they’ll never know (and they all secretly speak German).

You’d think more schools would choose such a bodacious mascot to be their standard-bearer. Honestly, how many schools are the Eagles compared to Narwhals? Case and point. I can envision it now… but tradition will not obviously budge for such an outlandish request.  We could have Nicky the Narwhal? Or some other similarly-starting-with-n name, possibly chosen via democratic process.